Love lost, hope gained....

I have always believed in love.  And that means love in all forms.  The ancients had multiple words for the different kinds of love.  We have one word that is supposed to encompass all of them.  This seems awfully insufficient.  While I have extensive love in my life from so many different entities, it is romantic love I want to address in this moment.

My romantic love life has been rockier than an Alabama mountain road.  I use that imagery because my dad grew up in Alabama and every time we went to visit his family on the mountain he grew up on, we had to traverse this terrible road that inevitably would make me carsick. But I digress.

I have been in love a few times.  My first true love was a beautiful boy I grew up with. We'll call him "Son of Adam." He was wonderful.  He still is.  I was devastated when it ended because it felt so right.  I was lost without him because while we dated, I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.  But like so many sappy love movies, we were too young, we had too much growing up to do, it wasn't meant to be, we tried it - it didn't work, he was there - I was here, the stars were not aligned, blah, blah, blah.  What I took from that relationship was that I learned to love, learned to be loved, and gained a piece of the picture of what I wanted for my future.

The second time I was in love was to my ex-husband.  Yes, I was married.   For 5 years I was a "Mrs." I could write volumes on this relationship.  There eventually will be a blog entry, or a series of entries concerning this time in my life.  But for now, it is sufficient to say that this relationship was flawed from the beginning.  There are a variety of names I would like to call this male but we will just go with "Ex-Husband." I was very much in love and I acted on feelings and information I had at the time. Again, from this relationship I learned what I wanted for my future.  And more importantly, what I didn't want. I already knew how to love and be loved from Unconditional Love Recipient #1. From #2 I learned the importance of mutual love.  No matter how much I loved #2, his love was never going to meet mine.  He was deeply flawed in ways I could never begin to repair.  And his inability to love in the deep, sustaining way that a husband should love a wife was our undoing. Shelving that topic for a later date. Stay tuned...

U.L.R #3 is another beautiful creature. This character's name is "Mr. Jay."  The problem I have with this relationship was that it never really was a relationship. We never were officially anything.  It looked like a relationship.  It felt like a relationship.  But this was a situation where it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, but only one of us wanted a relationship. Sigh...  This was where everything I ever knew went out the window.  As silly as it sounds, he fit everything I wanted - everything I ever prayed for.  A strong, committed man, with strong morals, sweet, caring, funny, tender, he understood what I meant when I said it (while I may be slightly articulate in writing, on the spot it seems people usually don't know what I mean), I felt completely at ease, and accepted for who I am.  I saw and felt that he cared.  But the flaw was this - his heart was never in it completely.  His actions did not match what he said.  Usually it happens that people say something positive and their actions are negative.  Like someone who says they hate corporate America yet only shop at Wal-Mart (I'm one of these hypocrites so don't get it twisted).  But with Mr. Jay, he would say he couldn't commit but then every action, look, and feeling said he did.  It all fell apart when he chose a path I could not follow him on.  His hope and desire was alas, with someone else.  I know this sounds like a typical "Sex in the City" topic but I promise it is much deeper.  In my opinion he made a terrible choice. But not just because I'm left in the dust, mind you.  He has chosen to walk a path he's already walked.  He is trying something he's tried multiple times, but expecting a different result.  Excuse me, but that's literally insane. I see for him so much better.  I see him having true happiness with someone he can trust.  Someone he can be himself with. Someone who will want only him for the rest of his life. I see that he can have someone who can appreciate all the good that he is and I see that he can have someone he can be completely himself with.  But herein lies the problem.  "I see..."  He doesn't.  And just for clarity's sake, I'm not necessarily this person I see for him.  Not saying I didn't want to be but in reality, I couldn't make that judgement because we never really got to that place. I couldn't be a card carrying member of the Hopeless Romantic Club if I didn't look into the future prematurely just a little bit.  Haha!

So here is what I have learned from ULR #3 - Mr. Jay. Just like with ULR #2, my love is not all sustaining.  This was really just reinforced, not learned.  I learned that I could love again, despite the heartbreaks of Adam's Son and Ex-husband (and all the minor players I failed to mention.  Those were fleeting blips really. Not important in this one sided discussion of true love). I learned that no matter how clearly I see someone, unless they recognize that and value it, I might as well be blind.  It was for my benefit only.  There are other things I knew but ignored - like someone not being in a place to return love, moving too quickly, etc...etc... That was fully my fault.  I ignored experience. But I got a swift kick to my heart to remind me.  This will not be something I soon forget.  We met online (stop it! I hear your judgments through my laptop screen!) and ironically his profile said "not looking for someone who plays head games because I'm not into that" or something of the sort.  *Enter Dr. Evil voice here* Riiiiiight....

I will conclude ULR #3 in saying this - In Mr. Jay I saw such wonderful things I had only dreamed existed.  Now that I know it does, it is my hope reawakened that I will find those things again.

Love is a powerful thing.  It does not mean never having to say your sorry.  It is painful, vomit inducing, and wretched at times.  But love makes the world go 'round.  Without love, we are empty creatures with ipods attached to our noggins blaring songs this random words.  Love is in art, music, movies, and books for a reason beyond entertainment. We crave it. We need it.  It can be a drug. And though my heart has been broken and has seemed irreparable, I must continue to love.

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we will find it not." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

In hope of true love,
Amanda

Oh George...

"Baby Blue"

She looked so much like a lady, but she was so much like a child.
A devil when she held me close, an angel when she smiled.
She always held it deep inside, but somehow I always knew
She's go away when the grass turned green and the sky turned baby blue.

[Chorus:]
And baby blue was the color of her eyes.
Baby blue like the Colorado skies.
Like a breath of spring, she came and left,
And I still don't know why,
So here's to you and whoever holds my baby blue tonight.

She brought colors to my life that my eyes had never touched.
And when she taught me how to care, I never cared so much.
I try not to think of her, but I fall asleep and do,
And drift off where the grass is green and the sky is baby blue.

Maybe someday I'll explain why this song is so beautiful and painful.  Not today....  Hearing it on the radio today was hard enough. Oh universe!  Cruel sense of humor.

I will say that I have learned through my (short) time on this planet that my faults are many.  Caring too much happens to be one of them.  In seeking honesty, I know that my inner self is deeply committed to seeking out those who need caring the most, yet who are incapable - through outward or inward constraints - of caring themselves.  While I would never, ever want to lose the "fault" of caring, I feel it is necessary to perhaps refine this ability.  I hope I will always be capable of loving freely, openly, and unconditionally. Not everyone can.  I have learned that I need to be loved, as I love others.  This is probably a "duh concept" to most people, but I have not lived a life blessed with this clarity. My friend Dru, who is often my voice of reason, despite his poor taste in George Lucas films, spoke volumes to me in one simple phrase - "How about loving yourself?" 

Yes, please.

In love through faith, 

Amanda

Not So Simple Questions

A few days ago I was asked a question that I did not know how to answer.  It was concerning love.  The questioner said it should be an easy answer - yes or no.  And really, he was right.  Love is always the answer.  But as usual, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I know that sooner or later I will have to explain who I am.  Those are simple facts so it might as well be sooner than later.  My name is Amanda. I am 29.  Do you know the problem with turning 29? On your 29th birthday, no one just says, "Happy Birthday!"  Instead they get a wicked grin and say, "Ooooo!! You are going to be 30 next year!" This is what I call a "duh concept" -- so simple you can only say, "well, duh!"  I know that historically (and comically), women do not want to age and at some point, we are no longer proud to proclaim our age.  Getting old is equivocal with being useless, less desirable, past the prime of life.  My problem with turning 30 is not that I will be any of these things.  My problem with turning 30 is that I finally feel young and invigorated, and I have to say I'm 30, when I finally feel the delight of youth.  Eventually I will explain this in more detail, but once again, I digress. Just suffice it to say, the banner at my birthday this year  better read "Happy Second 29th Birthday!"

So I am 29.  I am a social studies teacher at a high school in the Houston area.  I grew up in Huntsville, TX, the Prison Capital of Texas.  Although I have not lived in Huntsville in 7 years, I still do a double take when someone is walking down the street wearing all white.  Escapee!!  Ah, no... Just some brave soul who shows no fear towards mustard or ketchup.

I currently teach 9th grade.  Freshman are a very unique breed of child.  I teach in an inner city school where girls come to school dressed for the club and the boys wear their pants around their knees. Disrespect is rampant for self and others.  But I love my job.  I connect well with inner city kids. Which is really funny because I was raised in a very country town and stick out like a sore thumb in the hallways of my school. But nonetheless, I like my job and love working with teenagers.  I want to strangle them sometimes, but I love them.  They discovered my love of Star Wars and know it is time to calm down when I start force choking individual students. 

It seemed like "the basics" would go much more quickly but perhaps it is good this way.  I think I'll stop there for now.  This blog is about renewing hope in life, my desires, and myself so I think it is good to take things slow. It seems it should be simple to explain who you are, but how can someone be summarized in a simple blog entry.  Life is so beautifully complex, which is merely a reflection of the complexity in which we have been created. I've been alive for 29 years and only now do I feel that it is ok to be who I am. I really am enough.  I hope...

In faith and love,

Amanda

A New Hope

Hello old friend!  I always loved how Anne Frank felt the need to address her diary as a friend.  As if they had known each other for years.  I used to blog regularly and have been dormant for quite some time. My life has required me to become introspective and spend some time in a cocoon of sorts.

But now I am ready to reemerge and hopefully spring forth as a butterfly, ready to unfold my wings and fly.  There are many aspects of myself I am hoping to explore through this venue. My goal is to be as forthcoming as I can.  I know on such a public forum that may not always be possible, but I am desperately needing the be brutally honest with myself, the world, and God.  Although, the latter knows pure truth already, so it is more for myself than Him.

I am very excited to embark on this journey!

In truth and love,

Amanda